i am doing my best.

but sometimes, even best ain't enough.

sucks when you give it your all people don't appreciate.

And the world comes alive
And the world comes alive
Watch the world come alive tonight

reuben
@ 10:18 PM.

went to cc gym for the first time since god knows when.

gained like 1kg over the new year i guess, 73.4kg now. actually given my height now its quite acceptable i think. but still, feels good to be below 70.

did 70 of the lat dorsi machine, 36kg, 41kg, 45kg, 50kg, 54kg, 41kg, 23kg. think i missed out something cos i didnt do ten for some.

sad thing is, i can't hit 59 anymore. 54 is already a chore. but at least my biceps dont hurt as they did on friday.

wanted to do treadmill, but its kinda screwed cos it sorta stopped as i put my weight on. lol. oops.

i must do well for napfa this year.

and i felt really better after the workout today. healthier, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

oh, and special mention to those who were there today (:

i like this song, but i just cant identify with its lyrics, lol.

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

stress level still at an all-time high. but i hope things are fun tomorrow. it's time to leave a legacy.

reuben
@ 10:42 PM.

well i knew this day would come

which is, day 2 of cny, where school starts the next day.

funny how the first two weeks of school seemed painfully slow and the past four days whizzed by just like that.

okay, maybe not, since friday seemed an eternity ago. maybe perhaps i didn't sleep properly for the like past four days!

i think i'm beginning to 转运 alr. haha. cos i won in mahjong on saturday!

haha played tennis on friday, saturday AND sunday. total madness to be honest, heh. and i was supposed to rest my arm.

as for sunday, ate reunion dinner. but the steamboat soup was kinda screwed, it tasted nothing more than water. lol. but i guess, it's more than just the food alone i feel. with all our different schedules, it hard even for a family of four to sit down together and have a meal.

oh, went out at night after dinner. wanted to do some econs hw actually, but in the end never. in the end also never left4dead haha. but watched inkheart at amk cathay. i think the story's pretty boring at 2am. haha. but maybe it has to do with the timing, since i felt the same way about the dark knight. but the plot kinda confusing, maybe cos i drifting in and out of sleep and went to the toilet twice. but overall it's something different, reminds me of harry potter.

went home and slppppp after that.

ytd was chu yi, went to rangoon rd to bai nian as usual. heh with more cousins getting married --> more $$ =x. okay, it's more than the money, i tell myself!!! my luck this year quite good leh actually, at least for now. ((:

no pictures yet, lazy to grab them. maybe soon.

my cousin's kid is already almost 2 years old. she's terribly cute. how time flies. and another kid coming on the way.

reminds me of the times when i was young. but then again, i do feel kinda left out cos i'm like one of the last kids to come out in my generation. i wonder what about the next generation, since i guess the trend is marrying later and having less children. heh.

but even so, it intrigues me how everyone is growing up. i rmb like ten years ago, my cousins were just studying in sec sch, jc, in the army, uni, just turned 21, or just graduated. and now some are approaching, or have hit the thirty mark. and it seemed only like yesterday.

sometimes i feel, my seventeen years here thus far seems quite short to be remembered. hitting thirty doesn't seem to be a long time away. just thirteen years, if you consider. maybe thats why people wanna be in sec sch for like forever. i wouldnt mind living through sec sch years all over again. innocent and fun.

cny for the past few years seemed to be only yesterday. yet, 不知不觉, everyone has turned one year older. and then two. three. ten.

but hopefully in this new year, i'd get better luck with my life!

it's a brand new year, and a brand new beginning.

heard this retro song at mcdonalds on monday morning.

2am and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me

But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can make you see it through
That's something only love can do

In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough
If we learn to trust

But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can make you see it through
That's something only love can do

I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'll give my dreams just one more chance
To let this be our last goodbye

But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can make you see it through
That's something only love can do

That's something only love can do

reuben
@ 9:30 PM.

trying to use windows live writer 2009 to blog

apparently it saves my posts somewhere on the windows live server or something, ‘cos one post from 2006 is listed here. lol.

kinda weird using it, but i’ll try it for a while, since it’s something new, if it doesn’t work out, then it’s back to blogthis!

and i just realise somehow this blog's title is phalenium 2008. and it's 2009 now and i don't never really have a name for my blog anymore. heh.

sometimes i really don't know what i want. but that's nothing new anyway. i've always been an indecisive person. sometimes i get hell bent on doing something, suddenly you get that surge of motivation and confidence. then the next moment you feel like you're doing something stupid, and that you shouldn't be doing this at all. but in the end, your heart wins out i guess.

my last resolution before the new chinese new year, would be to finish all my homework before cny comes. hope i can live up to it? but maybe unlikely. but then again i've never felt this free in ages, i mean, it seems like forever since i could wake up on a saturday morning feeling that you don't have anything urgent waiting for you.

emotional stability. that's the thing about the 16pf that's ringing through my head since the results were out. i think i understand the meaning of it. reactive doesn't really mean blowing up at almost anything, but rather reacting inside, or being over-sensitive. but actually i'm rather desensitised over the years already, having being suan-ed for duno how many years already, that i learn not to take things to heart anymore. hahah. but then, there are certain things that have reactive effects on me, i realise. which ain't a good thing.

so every day recently, i've tried to set a target for emotional stability. and at least i'm living up to it thus far.

and i'm sort of being enlightened, by the things that are happening everyday. i'm starting to believe that everything happens for a reason. good or bad. it'll turn out for the better in the end, i'm sure. so just suck it up and live with it.

my arms are dying for some reason. maybe too much softball and tennis. hope i don't get tennis elbow please. i can't do even two chin-ups anymore. i hope i recover soon. somemore this year napfa is 2.4+5 stations on the same day.

i just imported my old blog over. haha. kinda regret it now, cos the archive is so bloody long. but what's done can't be undone. lol. actually, i've been wanting to do that last time, and now blogger finally has this feature.

oh well, so no need to archive the other blog anymore i guess. funny thing is blogger keeps saying my blog can't be imported due to a server error, but somehow it works.

cny's in two days time! can't wait for it, but i don't want tuesday to come. cos its mean school will start again.

but maybe it's for the better i guess, eh. looking forward to meeting ppl soon who i havent got the chance to meet for a while alrdy!

just hope that i won't be as busy as i am right now…

reuben
@ 2:04 PM.

four-day week coming to an end!!!

reuben
@ 6:09 AM.

failed physics re-test.

53/150.

but i don't know, i feel that it was still an improvement over promos. at least i know i revised.

thank god it's not a borderline failure or something, cos i'd kill myself for that.

got my gloves on friday. but not very used to it yet. i hope it breaks in soon.

and homework homework homework. i think my attitude has changed. i'm no longer procrastinating. i just want things over and done with.

but i still have a pile left undone. that can't be helped.

i want to sleep early tonight! you know, you wake up with the feeling that you're so rested, and you feel fresh for the long day ahead.

i hate physics remedial i hope i get out of it soon.

gp tomorrow. oh man.

but bright side is, lots of free periods, so can catch up on work.

there's no time to wait for cny.

i must pass every subject in ct1. my resolution.

im gonna learn proper time mgmt skills.

i'm not gonna wait forever too, for things to happen.

You look so beautiful today
When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away
So i try to find the words that i could say
I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away
And I cant lie
Every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just cant take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever

You look so beautiful today
It's like every time I turn around I see your face
The thing I miss the most is waking up next to you
When I look into your eyes, I wish that I could stay
And I cant lie
Every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just cant take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever

I know it feels like forever
I guess that's just the price I gotta pay
But when I come back home to feel your touch
Makes it better
Till that day
Theres nothing else that I can do
And I just cant take it
I just cant take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But i can wait
I can wait forever (I can wait forever)
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever
I can wait forever
I can wait forever...

reuben
@ 9:49 PM.

oh and ytd i got back the 16PF thing. its about some personal qualities thingy and your future job prospects based on a questionnaire taken last sept.

suitable jobs:

woodmaker, religious leader

oh, and they recommend me to go into jobs like skills trade, machine trade, protective services and construction work. pair this up with a religious leader and what do you get?

won't elaborate more about that lol.

oh, and on a scale of 1.0 Reactive and 10.0 Emotionally Stable, my rating is 1.0. so you all ah, you careful, i highly reactive.

okay, i do get caught up in a flurry of emotions sometimes, but it's nothing close to being emotionally unstable. i'm still sane, really.

i'm too caught up with work so can't really elaborate about the 16pf thing and what else it said, will update more soon.




and to the youknowwhat guy/girl who tagged, eh i would really like to know your name. as in, i'm surprised people even bother. thanks. if you are one of my firends but i haven't noticed you i'm really sorry then, so i wanna know who you are!

well, the thing is, i do open up, to different people about different things. but it's just that most of the time, they aren't truly listening. but yes, there are those who listen too, and thanks.



today was some relationship workshop conducting by adam khoo's agency/company or whatever u call that. looking at friends around me, i figure they could've conducted it last year instead.

but i guess it was helpful nevertheless. but kinda interesting how they try to twist it to family & friends relationship when it's obviously talking about BGRs. i mean, i wouldn't call my friendship with a best friend a 'relationship'.

the trainer was quite humorous too, it's good to see people sometimes who don't get offended easily. cos he suanned us like siao lol.



tomorrow's training. 2.30 to 7. coach's coming. i guess i'd better put in more effort this year, if not i'll be letting myself, and most importantly, the team down. we have much to prove, and we will do it.

reuben
@ 10:05 PM.

i heard many people failed the physics retest

so i guess i'm one of them and am down for remedial.

i need my gloves soon.

and i hope to do my econs homework and physics tutorial today since there're no lessons.

my senior told me the first half of the year is practically stress free.

why don't i feel that way?

you know you have to work hard when on the first day of school, you see people mugging everywhere--at the concourse, at the canteen, at the library.

this is the year that we should really make things happen.

i feel thankful for the breather today.

reuben
@ 5:49 AM.

yesterday at macs we were talking about how people function, or fail to function.

i duno, this thought suddenly just came up to me while trying to sleep (which i failed to do so, as you can see).

i guess i can say that i function independently for the most part. i dunno if it's good or bad, it has pros and cons i guess.

i guess maybe its cos of circumstances? when i was young i was fat hahah. that didn't really make me popular in kindergarten or lower primary, cos you know, when you're out of the norm, little kids laugh at you. so i guess, i couldn't really open up to people. was rather afraid.

i dont know how, last time i couldnt depend without my parents, maybe cos i was too sheltered. but now, i dunno, growing up, i have become functionally independent. aka loner.

of course its good not to have to depend on anyone, which i hate doing so. i hate to get favours from people, cos i don't like to owe anyone anything. i prefer doing everything myself. i hate pulling people down too.

but i guess one can't be fully functionally independent all the time? cos then theres no purpose in life.

its good to have a few close friends, as i realised yesterday, as compared to groups and groups of acquantainces. but sometimes i wish, i had a few more close friends. and maybe while at that, be loved. i dont know, i dont really have anyone to approach when i'm feeling like this-->8#((*@*(#(*#@. or rather, i hate having to approach anyone, because everyone has their own troubles too and i dont want to be a burden.

ohwell. its 1218am and i better try to sleep now if not tmr i'm ggfied.

reuben
@ 12:05 AM.

my whole com is so fucking screwed right now it feels like a p4 rather than a c2d.

i need a reformat soon. but first i need to find some way to open microsoft office.

reuben
@ 10:14 PM.

Today this could be the greatest day of our lives
Before it all ends,
Before we run out of time
Stay close to me
Stay close to me
Watch the world come alive tonight
Stay close to me

Tonight this could be the greatest night of our lives
Let's make a new start
The future is ours to find
Can you see it?
Can you see it in my eyes?
Can you feel it now?
Can you hold it in your arms?

Tonight
Tonight
Oh stay close to me
Stay close to me
Watch the world come alive tonight
Stay close to me

Oh

Hold your head high
Hold your arms open wide
Let the worlds start come alive
When you stay close to me

Today this could be the greatest day of our lives
Today this could be the greatest day of our lives

Oh, and the world comes alive
And the world comes alive
And the world comes alive

Oh oh oh

Stay close to me
Stay close to me
Watch the world come alive tonight
Stay close to me

Oh

And the world comes alive
And the world comes alive
Watch the world come alive tonight
Stay close to me

Oh

reuben
@ 4:04 PM.

watched red cliff 2 yesterday.

was a nice movie throughout, although kinda forgot who was who at the start of the movie, but i guess at the end i could follow the plot well.

it was a little draggy but the cinematics made it all worth it. watching cao cao's ships burn was woah.

lol but this show makes cao cao look like a fool by the end of the movie. heh. but we do get to see a little of his humane side. or maybe his 'mind game mind game'.

school is not starting tomorrow. at all.

managed to copy chem mcq. hope i can smoke my way through. maths, did a couple questions, too many to do all.

physics, did the first 2 or 3 questions only.

gp, did nothing.

econs, too.

i hope i don't get screwed tomorrow.

reuben
@ 4:02 PM.

lol federer lost again to murray!!

he shld hg the net seriously!


lol but tennis was fun ytd though.

anddd l4d was fun today too!

physics re-test was a bitch.

reuben
@ 1:42 AM.

I need a miracle tomorrow.

Please grant me that miracle.

reuben
@ 10:37 PM.

mugging.

those who somehow or another have to study/do projects/work so early in the new year, i feel you.

it's only 6th jan, and stress is taking over.

ooh. and there's still the rest of the year.

listening to 987fm lately. somehow, 50% of the time when i first tune in, the song playing is Without You by Hinder.

listening to muttons to midnight now, but somehow the muttons aren't there? aw.

i notice 987 plays nice songs in the afternoon too. nine in the afternoon, yeah.

and all the polytechnics seem to be blasting propaganda through the air waves too. and just one year ago, i was about to make my choice too.

i'm left with circular motion, oscillations and general waves. please let me pass my re-test!!

cut my hair today, now it's freaking short (as usual).

jogged like 2.8k and walked the remaining 400m (except 100m sprint at the end), cos was feeling chest pains. hope its not a heart problem.

fairly consistent timings though.

lap 1: 2.12.81
lap 2: 2.15.19
lap 3: 2.15.27
lap 4: 2.17.59
lap 5: 2.17.06
lap 6: 2.10.98
lap 7: 2.06.71
lap 8: 3.44.86

total: 19.20:47


I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no

reuben
@ 10:32 PM.

blissful feeling watching the mv

6 chapters down, 5 more to go.

but i need help with forces and thermodynamics!

reuben
@ 1:32 AM.

# Tony Leung Chiu-Wai was originally selected for the role of Zhuge Liang. However, he quit before the shooting, citing health problems, as he was burned out after filming Lust, Caution.[5] Producer Terence Chang said financial backing is not affected by the change.[2]

from wiki.

lol must be he f too much in se jie that he's burned out LOL.

reuben
@ 10:07 AM.

only jan2 (okay jan3 whatever) and im feeling so fucked up.

no, im not being emo here. emo is out in 2009. on the contrary rather, releasing up all these pent-up frustrations so it won't affect me anymore!

i hate playing the waiting game.

and it seemed just yesterday, that i first entered college. one full year, and i still remember rather clearly how the first day of school was like. all the fun, enjoyment, naivety then. too bad, that was then, and this is my now.

listened to yes933 today while studying. haha. somehow my taste is back to chinese music, for now. maybe once school starts it'll change again.

it's a long road ahead, and i don't know if i'm prepared for it. that's so many aspects of life that i need to settle, that i dunno if im up for it.

i wish i could fast-forward one week and be here at next friday night.

there's a lot of things that i wanna say too, but haven't got the chance.

reuben
@ 12:57 AM.

i need a breather.

just finished one chapter of physics. kinda proud of myself, cos that's one down, a couple more to go.

getting a little of that motivation back. thattes's good, but i hope it'll hold out till november.

turned down two invitations to go out today, though one was to go study. but i guess, i really study best at home. although there are lots of distractions, but it's the most productive way somehow. i guess soon, i'll be studying at that table downstairs again.

maybe it's a blessing in disguise, that i have this retest. so that i am better prepared for the year ahead.

testing out some of the pens that i've had for a long time but never used. maybe it's time for a change of stationery. currently i'm a v5rt addict. and just one year ago g-tecmatics filled my pencil box. uniball pens are kinda nice to write too.

it's weird that i'm feeling tired now. when i've slept 20 hours in the past 38 hours of this new year. and drank one of my remaining cans of nescafe from the promos period. soon i have to wake up at like 6am again zz, really dreading that.

procrastination is officially out of fashion in 2009.

reuben
@ 2:05 PM.

- study hard and put everything aside while you're studying
- forget about the unhappy memories from 2008 and keep the happy ones behind
- find the motivation from 2007 to study
- pwn a levels
- put some dedication into cca
- know more friends
- know more close friends
- keep your current close friends close or even closer
- pass my physics re-test

yes, baggage from 2008 should all be left behind. start the new year afresh.

if history's anything to go by, i guess 2009 will be less of a change for me. even numbered years often signified big changes for me, i was getting used to being born in '92 (ok lame), went to p1 in '98, went to sec1 in '04, went to jc in '08. i don't know, just a lot of getting used to in the even numbered years. while odd numbered years have been relatively stable in general, i guess. less of a change, which i guess would be good in 2009. but still i'd like some things changed. for the better of course (:

reuben
@ 11:27 AM.

blogging now lest i forget abt events at the end of last year!

dec30!

went out with zeming, jonathan (who overslept as usual LOL), xuan yi and charles (who came later). lol it was a rather spontaneous outing, no plans, no thing, just place and time.

in the end we explored the new virtualand on top of the mcdonald's building at amk. really cool machines, and it has street fighter iv too! basketball has five stages, so quite worth it yeah.

and then we played LAN! seems like l4d there is like the most popular game at there. first time playing l4d over LAN. quite a fun experience, and memorable too, coz of 'UR MUM'!


lmao. then we went partyworld at bishan! lol love the claps boos and applause effects. sang for abt 3hrs. towards the end the bloody machine hanged though. cheat our money! charles brought a cake and alcohol. thanks charles!

after that, went yoshi to eat dinner. and XUAN YI HOR WHY YOU KEEP LOOKING BEHIND YOU AH. lol. played bridge until like the place was gonna close. and then went home.

was a really nice day, i guess, especially with the company. it's my best 17th birthday ever, i guess (lol xy taught me this, reason being cos theres only one seventeenth birthday you'll ever have)

oh and thanks for the swiss choc bars and the wilson headbands n wristbands! really nice, esp the choc bars hahah.

and thank you everyone who wished me. kah yee, edmund, danny, tuck wai, xuan yi, zeming, jonathan, lionel, mel, stacey, jiajun, jiayan, pris, sabrina, audrey and grace (lol although i think you almost forgot all abt it right!)!

hope i havent missed out anyone! cos its entirely from memory lol.

DEC31!

at first had no plans, cos everyone was busy. but in the end went out with s48 guys, to just noodles at suntec. and then somehow we spent 5 hours around marina and suntec doing practically nothing, besides playing pool. heh. good way to spend time though. went to amk thereafter with edmund and zong rui and played arcade for a while. tried battle gear 3, but its so bloody hard. u need to press the clutch just to change gear! omg. i didnt complete, i bet ppl behind who watched me were probably laughing silently. played str fighter iv for the first time too, uber cool graphics, think i made it to the 5th or 6th rd!

then went to zhihong hse there the coffeeshop to eat dinner with zeming, who went to his cousin hse after his 4some (lol kidding). then we did the last chu stunt thing of the year, which was to walk to amk hub. then we took 136 to jon's hse.

played risk and i lost first again. omg damn. i think exactly one year ago i played risk for the first time and lost too (bt nw got no leon to blame =x).

then jc xy and danny came. then we sat on the swing, talking cock, talking abt 'hong gan' stuff, waiting for the clock to turn 12. lol i think in the end we missed the countdown. haha. we did our own retarded countdown. lol so yeah, i guess the year changed unknowingly.

then we played mahjong! until 7am. won for the first time wooooooooo! but in the end money nt counted ): so sad.

then went to slp until like 12, then ate prata at rk hse! 1 egg, 1 onion, 1 kosong and a dinosaur!

then went back, 'mass step 4/5' and then ate fried rice and then we went to play LAN at the amk place again. lol, actually versus mode of l4d quite fun. but we tio owned like crazy.

and now im sleep deprived. i guess im turning in early. then tmr can study!

reuben
@ 7:09 PM.