its only almost april and i havent lived up to my new year resolutions yet.
maybe resolutions are meant to be broken.
but hey, its not too late to live it up, ain't it?
reuben shall not sleep in lectures anymore.
had a dream the other day during gp (okay i shouldnt be dreaming during gp right???) that i was on the beach, preparing to go for a swim in the sea, when the tides suddenly rose and heavy rain started pouring...
and i awoke to the continuous rambling of L**** C***.
reuben @ 6:05 AM.
it's monday again ):
feeling the same way as the last monday.
reuben @ 5:40 AM.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
found my keynesian notes
now i need to fill in the blanks!
lol.
hopefully i'll be going back to where it was.
reuben @ 11:03 AM.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
earth hour is overrated.
it has ended, and those households whose lights are off are still off. haha.
reuben @ 10:10 PM.
end of another hectic week, and an especially tiring day, both physically and especially emotionally.
it'll all get Better In Time, i hopeeeeeee!
night.
reuben @ 1:12 AM.
想回到过去……
to the better times before.
maybe it won't be exactly the same, but hopefully its like the future never happened? heh. reminiscence!
months later, i think i'm moving but i go nowhere.
maybe some mountains are meant for admiring from afar, and never meant for conquering them?
'yes, we can' the essay i wrote for gp cts. but do you know when to stop?
reuben @ 3:55 PM.
i freaking lost my keynesian notes for some reason. need to find them, if not photocopy them soon. just wonder how the hell i lost it.
getting team jacket and bag soon i hope. thats something to look forward to, if theres anything to.
felt like hell yesterday morning. tried to talk to a few ppl, but i guess they're all busy with their lives since they stopped bothering to reply after a while. ah well.
maybe it's up to yourself at the end of the day, right. afterall everyone's gonna say the same thing.
one thing positive about yesterday was training. i guess i outdid myself. (:
sometimes, you start to break apart because of impatience. because you can't wait to see things done. almost happened again just this week. thanks for the reminder.
reuben @ 5:48 AM.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
it's funny how sometimes we can manage to dish out advice to other people when you can't even help yourself settle your own issues.
someone help me please.
i thought this song wasn't very well known, until i heard someone sang it on aj idol ytd.
You walked with me Footprints in the sand And helped me understand Where I'm going
You walked with me When I was all alone With so much unknown Along the way
And just when I I thought I'd lost my way You gave me strength to carry on That's when I heard you say
I promise you I'm always there When your heart is filled with sorrow And despair
And I'll carry you When you need a friend You'll find my footprints in the sand When I'm weary Well I know you'll be there Cause I can feel you When you say
I promise you I'm always there When your heart is filled with sadness and despair Oh, I'll carry you When you need a friend You'll find my footprints in the sand
[choir]
When your heart is full of sadness and despair I'll carry you When you need a friend
I promise you I'm always there When you need a friend You'll find my footprints In the sand
reuben @ 5:37 AM.
Monday, March 23, 2009
self-doubt
i'm still supposed to be asleep right now, but somehow after waking up somewhere in the middle of the night i just can't fall back to sleep again.
thinking about many many things that have happened in my life recently. there are some things that you can amend, but others depend on fate too.
current state of mind: physically exhausted, but mentally i'm still thinking, thinking and thinking, spinning around the same few questions.
lots of self-doubt lingering.
An inferiority complex, in the fields of psychology and psychoanalysis, is a feeling that one is inferior to others in some way. Such feelings can arise from an imagined or actual inferiority in the afflicted person. It is often subconscious, and is thought to drive afflicted individuals to overcompensate, resulting either in spectacular achievement or extreme schizotypal behavior, or both. Unlike a normal feeling of inferiority, which can act as an incentive for achievement, an inferiority complex is an advanced state of discouragement, often resulting in a retreat from difficulties.
hopefully, i haven't descended into this yet.
the ironic thing is, the more you doubt yourself or do a reality check, the more you tend to fail.
but ironically, the lower your expectations, the lower your fall.
OH WELL.
another week has come and gone. this week was supposedly termed the march holidays, but it certainly didn't feel that way. caught up with too many things at the moment, that sometimes you wish time would slow down. but i guess, some rest is better than no rest.
this week onwards, its back to grinding again. homework homework homework. numerous tutorials that i need to find.
this holiday it seems, i spent lots of money playing left4dead. haha. but honestly, i'm not addicted to the game. which is a good thing. but i guess, sometime down the road, you're bound to have these wonderful memories, of the times walking home from the lan shop from upper serangoon back home. eating prata at the prata house (which is only about average to be honest) while the occasional ah beng stirs up a fight with the stall owners.
friday was supposed to be our match with nj and tpj, but it got postponed due to the rain. again (but i managed to scam a few ppl that the matches happened =x).
so the entire team decided to go watch a movie, PUSH.
well, it was a rather okay movie, but given the fact that there isn't really any nice movies to watch now, it's, uh, nice. haha.
the thing is, the movie requires lots of thinking, which isn't something i'm really willing to do now.
after that, while the rest of the team went to eat subway, i decided to go home first. monetary reasons mainly.
wanted to take the shuttle bus, but thought that it would be faster if i walked to kallang. while walking on the overhead bridge, i saw the words 'potong pasir constituency'. turned out in the end that it was just one of the several murals representing the various constituencies in the southeastern part of singapore. i foolishly thought, though, that potong pasir was near, and i decided to walk. my gps sort of scammed me, saying that potong pasir was just about 2km away, which it obviously wasn't.
it was a tough walk though, to potong pasir alone. cos of the stupid expressways and certain parts that don't bloody have pavements. i wonder why. but well, after about 40mins, i reached potong pasir. quite an achievement i guess. and since serangoon was one stop away (technically two), i decided to walk there. by the way, serangoon and potong pasir are really just separated by the serangoon viaduct.
but walking through the viaduct was scary. cos the former mount vernon cemetary and the current crematorium is there. i still remember my granddad being cremated here. my hair stood on ends, as i briskly walked past the area. windy. but creepy. but i was surprised to see that there are many night joggers there. i would never jog in such a place, haha. but are these people really people? okay i shan't delve into it so much.
i walked all the way to upper serangoon in the end, and then went home by the highland rd way. took about 1h40mins in total, quite an achievement considering i once cycled to pasir ris in 2hours although the distance was roughly equal.
but i don't think i'll ever want to walk home from kallang again. once is enough!
you've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
reuben @ 5:50 AM.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
雖然偶爾會孤單 雖然等候太漫長 萬一青春太短 Woo~ 但是只要看遠方 就能再堅定信仰
memories of years back somehow flood back when i hear this song.
but somehow i'm better able to appreciate the lyrics now.
maybe it's all part of growing up.
reuben @ 12:57 PM.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
well i was planning to go cycle on tuesday, but in the end i just sort of let myself go where i wanna go.
so in the end went to amk and played left4dead with ian, edmund and zong rui. then spent like twenty bucks on arcade (actually only 10 since got mip)
lol and we came out with 142 tickets after playing those retarded games! haha.
kinda shagged after that, but decided to go to serangoon cc gym so that i wont lose muscle mass. and then i walked from serangoon north to serangoon central, in abt twenty minutes or so, to find zhi hong and zeming. lol. somehow zh's 'serangoon central' extends all the way to upper serangoon road...
so had dinner/supper at some prata house nearby, and then played l4d for another two hours again, with jonathan as well. haha. madness.
walked home from upper serangoon at around 1am after that...
when i walked past the eateries and shops along yio chu kang rd near rosyth rd, i'm amazed at the rate things change. a few years back, all these shops wouldn't have been there. and now, this area seems like a bustling place, with the seafood house being full house every single night. and rosyth rd itself seems like a much busier place, too, with cars going in and out all the time. sharp contrast from six years ago. many of the old bungalows have been demolished, making way for new apartments. it's amazing how they make such efficient use of land space sometimes. imagine your old house converted into a five-storey high apartment.
reuben @ 8:48 AM.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
somehow after that last post, those people from three months ago suddenly started messaging.
today was kinda hectic in the end, will blog abt it tmr!
reuben @ 2:11 AM.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
march on
another three months come and gone.
received my singpass yesterday. i guess i'll be receiving a letter from mindef soon. how the reality seems to distant just a while back.
this holiday and the last, things have changed between, but things are essentially still the same, i guess.
it just sucks that sometimes, when you're not free, other people are, and when you are, everyone else is busy with their own things. which is well, the reason why i'm blogging now.
but it's good to have one of these free days too. i think later i'd maybe go cycling for a while, which i haven't done so in ages. i've been wanting to do this again since december, but haven't found the time. maybe today's it.
i'm sorta torn though, because i do want to go to the gym and work out my arms. but maybe that can wait?
but comparing three months ago to now, for better or for worse, things seem to still be the same.
i'm still in love with tennis (although sadly theres no one to play with today), and theres still softball trainings which i still have a love-hate relationship with.
i guess some things wouldnt change.
but the place we usually play tennis has changed somewhat.
and some people i'm talking to have changed somewhat.
just three months ago, i wouldn't have thought that i would have drifted away totally from a few people, whom i was talking to ever-so-often during december. oh well, times change. but sadly, there hasn't really been new people that i've known or met in these three months, other than the occasional hi-bye friend. nor is there really anyone i have grown closer to. which, if you think about it, kinda sucks.
and really, over this period of time, i've decided to keep my mouth shut most of the time. in school, i rarely talk or mix with people anymore relative to last time. i dont know, theres just this feeling of being left out even when you go for lunch etc, that i dont even bother anymore. sometimes id rather be left alone and go home to eat lunch/dinner than just hang out with a group of people that i totally cant mix with. in the end im just listening and not participating in the conversation. which is torturous sometimes.
and i've been smsing much much lesser. i guess, people have their own lives too three months later. i havent even exceeded 500 smses yet thus far, while in december i think i hit almost 3k messages. haha i think i need new sms buddies. my phone's almost nothing more than a music player nowadays. i didn't even receive a single text the whole of yesterday.
i guess this is the time for me to reflect, while others are on their holidays and stuff. and hopefully, when school reopens next week, i'll feel better.
but i think one thing has changed, is that i'm kind of a happier person now. i've learnt to let things go for now, and just follow your heart. if it's destined to return, it will.
funny how being in a state of solitude can be peacefully happy sometimes.
actually sometimes i wonder how people make new friends, if all they've been doing all the while is the same old thing. do they just go up to the random stranger and say hi?
reuben @ 1:45 PM.
it is written.
watched benjamin button and slumdog millionaire recently
i guess they are really good movies.
benjamin button shows you what it's like to grow up the opposite way. in a sense, you get to feel what some of us feel, like being different and left out from the rest. imagine from the day you're born, the friends you make are people who are about to go any moment, and have almost no purpose in life left.
this movie really depicts one's entire journey throughout life. when you're young, you have dreams and aspirations. and then you wanna live, all the way to your prime. and thereafter, life kind of loses its purpose anymore. imagine going into the nursing home, for the sole purpose of counting your numbered days left on this earth. for button, its kinda sad, that when he grows young, he cant have any dreams and aspirations anymore...
maybe growing old is good too, sometimes?
as for slumdog, well, it's centred around the three words 'it is written.'
i guess, it is his destiny that he becomes a millionaire just through a gameshow. it shows how sometimes people deride your achievements and look down on you, with those in the upper class refusing to believe that he won the gameshow without underhanded means.
but well, the main lesson from this show, is really just to follow your heart. your heart probably leads you to your destiny, which well, you can't really change at the end of the day.
So don't pay no mind To whatever people say
indeed, there's no listening to other people sometimes. as in the show, people may give you the wrong answers. it's about how you live yours.
Let me hold you for the last time It's the last chance to feel again But you broke me, now I can't feel anything
When I love you and so untrue I can't even convince myself When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else
Oh, it tears me up I tried to hold on but it hurts too much I tried to forgive but it's not enough To make it all okay
You can't play our broken strings You can't feel anything That your heart don't want to feel I can't tell you something that ain't real
Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse How can I give anymore When I love you a little less than before?
Oh, what are we doing? We are turning into dust Playing house in the ruins of us
Running back through the fire When there's nothing left to say It's like chasing the very last train When it's too late, too late
Oh, it tears me up I tried to hold on but it hurts too much I tried to forgive but it's not enough To make it all okay
You can't play our broken strings You can't feel anything That your heart don't want to feel I can't tell you something that ain't real
Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse How can I give anymore When I love you a little less than before?
But we're running through the fire When there's nothing left to say It's like chasing the very last train When we both know it's too late, too late
You can't play our broken strings You can't feel anything That your heart don't want to feel I can't tell you something that ain't real
Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse So how can I give anymore When I love you a little less than before? Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before
Let me hold you for the last time It's the last chance to feel again
reuben @ 11:29 AM.
Friday, March 13, 2009
how i wish there were a feature that would allow me to blog whatever im saying on my mind without typing.
so much easier.
sometimes i have this urge to want to blog, and have lots and lots to say, but once this window is open, then everything just disappears.
i guess in life, you must learn how to 看开 a bit when it comes to certain things. and once you do, you'll feel much happier.
over the past common test, there are many many things that i thought about. and i guess, everything somehow seems to click now.
and even without drinking mountain dew, i'm feeling much much happier now than i was in a very long time.
today was seven hours spent on tennis. in the morning, for vog. i lost to pegasus 6-3, aquila 3-0 and won ursa 3-0. sucked that everything didnt click for me in the morning. it's the nerve.
then went to the softball shop at paya lebar with teammates. kinda glad i lost my gloves at the right timing, since there wont be any new stock for quite a while.
after that was tennis, from 3-8pm. i lost much more than i won, but it was still satisfying, because i know i tried my best. the feelings great when you chase down every single ball, and get it in. focus is the key. even if you lose, you know you tried.
and yes, i must carry this on tomorrow. and sunday. and forever. and even for studies i guess.
i think i should try contacting ppl ive not talked to in a long time sometime soon. sometimes its good to have a wider circle of friends, i think.
i will climb the highest mountain, and swim the deepest seas.
saturdays, will never be, the same.
reuben @ 9:27 PM.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
exams over finally.
but then one thing leads to another.
so oh well. just gotta live with it.
training today. wasn't feeling too good, but told myself, i gotta try and not wuss out.
but i guess it didnt turn out that well in the end.
i feel that ive let many ppl down.
i guess i cant feel sad if im not in the starting field.
since, well, my best ain't good enough.
but then again, your 'best' is determined by yourself. best is just a mental barrier. it's just a psychological barrier. that you can push slowly. and im gonna do that. i don't think life is fulfilling if u give up so easily. theres always obstacles.
yes yes.
i think jc is where you really grow up. where politics become closer and closer to your heart. where you realise that all these years you've really been sheltered. where you start to know there are people who you can never get along with, people who look down on you, people who don't see you for who you are but what you are.
but i guess, maybe its a blessing in disguise, because when you've truly entered the real world you handle disappointments more easily. and you learn not to take things to heart, or take things too personally.
because, at the end of the day, you live for what you believe in. yeah.
external influences are well, just external influences.
but then again, back to reality. i really need a softball rulebook or something. i guess im a freaking slow learner in this aspect. how am i gonna play on sunday (if im selected that is). lol. maybe if im not in the starting nine it might be a blessing too. so what if ppl don't trust you.
trust has to be gained.
i havent been proving it.
but soon, i will.
there's really so many things coming at me right now. so what if its after cts. stress level hasn't gone down.
heard this really nice song over the radio.
I can almost see it That dream I am dreaming But there's a voice inside my head saying "You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking Every move I make feels Lost with no direction My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying Gotta keep the head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be a up-hill battle Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing The chances I'm taking Sometimes I knock me down But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it But these are the moments that I'm gonna remember most, yeah Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be a up-hill battle Sometimes you're gonna have to lose
there's always gonna be another mountain, one after another.
its about how you scale them thats important.
go go go.
but funny thing is, this euphoria is usually only temporary. somehow, in the morningg, it'll be back to emo mood again. argh. gotta find a way to overcome this. heh.
reuben @ 11:30 PM.
last paper today.
woohoo.
but feels like exam's over already.
cos i didnt even study.
training this afternoon.
hopefully the weather will be nice and cloudy but not raining. heh. the weather's weird lately!
vog tmr, i hope tennis is still in!
and yes, i should blog about more happy things soon.
reuben @ 5:44 AM.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
from CNA:
After an amendment to the Copyright Act in December, broadcasters here have been locked in talks with the Recording Industry Performance Singapore (RIPS).
RIPS is the collective licensing body of 13 record companies that issue licences to broadcast music. The new fees come at a time when the global economy is in turmoil and advertising, the lifeline of media companies, has been badly impacted.
A MediaCorp spokesperson explained to TODAY that, previously, radio stations were exempted from paying record companies when the songs played over the Internet were part of a radio simulcast, but now this exception only applies to broadcasts over the airwaves.
“The service will be resumed if we can come to an agreement with RIPS,” said the MediaCorp spokesperson. “We have received feedback from Singaporeans tuning in from overseas as well. The public have been concerned and requested to know the reasons behind the cessation.”
So far, MediaCorp’s 18 radio stations as well as Safra Radio’s two stations - Power98 and 88.3JIA FM - have stopped their Internet radio streaming service.
nice one la. somehow i think the music industry's killing itself. lol. i think i know what the R.I.P in RIPS stands for.
reuben @ 10:10 PM.
and some bugger downstairs is beeping his horn non-stop
i didnt know horns could get stuck.
but actually it serves some ppl right. see lah, everyday horn horn, now stuck alrdy can horn all u want.
reuben @ 5:58 AM.
frustrated
but i can't expect too much, can i...
reuben @ 5:45 AM.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
i guess when you're stressed up and stuff you tend to blog more.
but i don't really think i'm stressed right now. well, if i am, then it get even worst over the weekend.
indeed, i'm having the shivers already. what if i screw up and cause the team to lose?
oh well, i hope not. just don't worry and stay positive, i guess.
'yes, we can'.
i wrote that during gp. i think i kinda screwed it up a little. but i hope that this weekend, yes, we can do it.
well today, i just did some minor revision for maths. hope i manage to pass maths, cos its like the only thing that seems passable to me.
went to hougang mall in the evening to buy seaweed and long socks for this sunday. and miscellaneous stuff as well. yeah.
two more papers to go. and then its another tough month ahead!
soon, it'll be all over though. i guess in time to come, we'll miss having trainings. maybe.
reuben @ 9:47 PM.
finally got my motherboard fixed. okay, not finally, just two days.
i hope it doesn't spoil again, its kind of a waste of time. but at least now i just take like 15mins just to fix up the com.
i pray that nothing's out of order.
physics sucked. but thats nothing surprising, considering the effort i put in. just have to brace myself for the worst.
haha, i even forgot to bring my calculator to school. shows how serious i was towards today's exam. thanks a lot wanping though for lending me your calc, if not my S or U grade will be lower than it actually is already. haha.
and halfway through i went to the toilet cos got stomachache. haha. but thats the point where i gave up on the paper alrdy.
ohwell. haha. my satellite takes 1.8x10^5 hours just to orbit around a planet once LOL.
reuben @ 2:36 PM.
Monday, March 9, 2009
i guess last minute studying for physics won't help much, so all i'm gonna do is take it easy.
i guess the only thing i'll do now is to memorise all the stupid gravitation and e field formulae and defn and hope i rmb them tmrw.
kinda sucks entering a physics exam once again with a clear mind. clear but empty, that is.
reuben @ 9:44 PM.
i think gp and econs were okay i guess.
actually, econs was a little tough. but considering the amount of effort i put in, i can't say i'm upset over it.
maybe i'm just numb. as i am now to many other things. life just goes on, whether you like it or not. suck it up and live with it.
my desktop motherboard died yesterday, when i was just about to do e-assessment. how apt. and here i am typing on my tablet with it being hooked up to my monitor, keyboard and mouse. it feels like i'm typing on my desktop sometimes, until i open up msn and find that it lags like hell, or when i try to find my bookmarks on firefox.
talking about bookmarks, i have bookmarked so many sites that i visit so often that i'll die if i lose them all.
hope i manage to find time to get my mmotherboard repaired, cos i really dont have much time.
after CT, would be trg trg and trg. there's VOG on friday, i think im still inside or something. then sunday theres match at kallang, 5.15pm vs NJC and 6pm vs HCI. hopefully i do peak there. and then theres matches the following wk too, and the weekend if we get through (i hope we do).
oh well. down with flu now. bad timing.
i'm prepared to flung my ct1.
reuben @ 6:45 PM.
i'm screwing up my own life seriously.
reuben @ 5:51 AM.
Friday, March 6, 2009
weird weather as of late.
no wonder ppl are falling sick.
just when it was abt to rain ytd the clouds cleared.
and i could play tennis yay.
but somehow they reappeared at night and started to rain.
it has been a while since it rained at night.
and a while since i last touched intl trade.
and a while since i studied at night.
hmm, i realise studying at night ain't that bad afterall. once you overcome that initial sleepiness you actually become more focused. maybe its because of the muttons? haha.
can't live w/o radio i guess.
a few more days more. i've all but given up.
i joined inter-house tennis next fri too. hope i dont regret my decision.
hope i don't get owned 6-0 please please.
I can almost see it That dream I´m dreaming but There´s a voice inside my head saying You´ll never reach it
Every step I´m taking Every move I make feels Lost with no direction My faith is shaking
But I I gotta keep trying Gonna keep my head held high
There´s always gonna be another mountain I´m always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes I´m gonna have to lose
Aint about how fast I get there Aint about what´s waiting on the other side It´s the climb
The struggles I´m facing The chances I´m taking Sometimes they knock me down but No I´m not breaking
I mean I know it But these are the moments that I´m gonna remember most Yeah Just gotta keep going
And I I gotta be strong Just keep pushing on
Cuz There´s always gonna be another mountain I´m always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle And sometimes I´m gonna to have to lose
Aint about how fast I get there Aint about what´s waiting on the other side It´s the climb
Yeah
There´s always gonna be another mountain I´m always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Sometimes you gonna to have to lose
Aint about how fast I get there Aint about what´s waiting on the other side It´s the climb
Yeah Yeay Keep on moving Keep climbing Keep the faith Baby It´s all about It´s all about The climb Keep the faith Keep your faith Woho
reuben @ 5:40 AM.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
inappropriate setting
given up on cts
so many things so little time
i guess its time to speed up things alrdy. like the way i studied for physics retest.
i was listening to 987fm yesterday, and they said this is the most popular wedding song of 2007. i wonder why, given that the lyrics seem inappropriate?
My life is brilliant. My love is pure. I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure. She smiled at me on the subway. She was with another man. But I won't lose no sleep on that, 'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. I saw your face in a crowded place, And I don't know what to do, 'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye, As we walked on by. She could see from my face that I was, Fucking high,(Real version) Flying high,(clean version) And I don't think that I'll see her again, But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. I saw your face in a crowded place, And I don't know what to do, 'Cause I'll never be with you. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. There must be an angel with a smile on her face, When she thought up that I should be with you. But it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you.
reuben @ 5:34 AM.
Monday, March 2, 2009
long time since i studied chemistry,
as you can see
not really in the mood to blog lately, somehow.
maybe it's the weather.
i dont know, i like rainy days, but i hate thunderstorms (unless there's trg).
